BDSM

By John Sassone

When people think of BDSM most will picture whips and chains or busty women in dungeons being flogged and tortured for someone’s perverse pleasure. Maybe even an evil dominatrix laughing at some poor soul who is strung from the rafters and whose testicles they have in some Medieval torture device. Go to any porn site, search for BDSM videos, and you will probably see a lot of this because it’s what sells and is commercially viable. It’s also, sadly, what feeds the misconception of what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. Is this part of BDSM? For some people yes, hence the Sadism/masochism,  but for millions of others it is very, very different.

My BDSM Life

If you were to walk past me on the street you might nod and say “good morning” or “hello”, but chances are you’d just walk past. You’d see your typical middle class, white guy walking to work or wherever it is I’m going; nothing out of the ordinary. As far as my lifestyle outside of the bedroom: I’m educated with three degrees. I teach in a fairly famous university; I write, edit and tutor when I have the time. I don’t struggle with any type of mental illness; I have a high degree of self-confidence and self-esteem. So all in all, I think I’m a pretty good package of a human being. Yet, you’d never know that I have been heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over twenty-five years. Ever since I was exposed to it at the tender age of nineteen!!

Meeting Sharon…

My first experience came when I met Sharon when we were both at school together. At first it was the “normal” college relationship–the usual dates, and the usual sex.  One day, or night (I don’t remember), that all changed. Instead of our usual sexual play, Sharon asked me to tie her to the bed with men’s ties she kept on hand for just the occasion. Something inside me just came alive. The realization there was more to not only sex, but relationships; the realization that there were dynamics to a relationship I had never even begun to consider. By the simple act of tying her to the bed we were now dealing with submission, domination, power, trust, vulnerability, and a host of other dynamics. With her tied and helpless I was responsible for her safety and communication became more important than ever. As time went on we got more and more comfortable with one another. Her with telling me what she liked (spankings and clothespins on her nipples were a favorite), me with my role as her Dom. I got to learn what she, as a submissive, needed to feel fulfilled; giving her tasks to complete; the punishments if she failed to do so; and the attention and nurturing I gave that made her give even more of herself. The more I gave, the more she gave. I truly think being in a BDSM relationship made our relationship that much more complete than if we had not engaged in a BDSM lifestyle for the two years we were together.

No Turning Back.

As I got deeper and deeper into the lifestyle I realized I would never be happy in a “vanilla” relationship. I couldn’t just turn this part of who I am on and off at will. Once it was brought to the surface there was no way the genie was going back into the bottle. After trying to engage in a relationship with someone who had no interest in exploring BDSM, I was convinced this was going to be a permanent part of my life, and it has been. I haven’t been in another “normal” relationship since. In my opinion, this isn’t something you can just learn. To me you’re born with the tendency to be dominant or submissive; a sadist or masochist. What you learn over time is to accept your role and to develop it under the guidance of people who can lead you safely to the point of self-acceptance. There is a contentment, an inner peace knowing who and what you are and being surrounded by people who accept you at face value.

And that’s what the BDSM community offers: acceptance. The ability to accept that not everyone is the same. Some of us have needs, wants, and desires that don’t fit in with the mainstream ideas of sex and relationships. Some of us are hardwired to want something different from what we have been told is “normal.” For us, whether we like submitting to another person or dominating them; whether we like pain or inflicting it; or if we’d prefer to do things other people only watch on video; it’s our decision and it’s who we are. We understand we won’t be understood or accepted by everyone, but that’s ok. We accept ourselves.

About The Author

“I can take anything life throws at me. Except tomatoes… I don’t like tomatoes thrown at me.”

JohnSassone

John Sassone, Ph.D. (yes, a doctor, but not the type that will ever see you in a paper gown that opens in the back) is a very happy and very open Bi Teacher, Writer, Editor and Flailing Artist living in NYC. As a lover of the Arts, LGBT Activist, Reviewer of Erotica and Adult Toys, Political Junkie, a BDSM aficionado for the past 25 years and jack of all kinky trades John keeps busy yet still finds time to eat and sleep, though not much of the latter. He currently is in a long-term poly relationship and lives with his wife, their boyfriend and two cats in a very small NY apartment.  Previously, and in life far, far away, John was a sex worker in Southern California for thirteen years and has very fond memories of that part of his life. I’m sure that topic and more will be discussed in lurid detail as John guest blogs.

You can follow John on Twitter @SassoneJohn or on Facebook @2cool2beonearth. You can also contact him here with topic suggestions you’d like to see him write about.

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One thought on “BDSM 101: Blog Series Part 1

  1. Love this post. I agree John when he says it is just a tenancy you’re born with like a “sexual personality” of sorts. I’ve never tried BDSM but I am certainly interested.

    Posted on July 1, 2017 at 11:21 pm